Is honesty really the best policy?

I had an epiphany last night as I lay on my couch starring up at my living room ceiling watching a small spider spin a web. How honest am I with myself? How big is the web of lies I have spun? I always and forever have thought that you can lie to the world but you cannot lie to yourself. But in reality, lying to yourself is better known as denial. And when put like that, it makes sense: People lie to themselves everyday. They carry on a facade of ecstacy and they dig a tunnel so deep that suddenly they become disoriented and don't know which way is up and out.

Every rishta, every relationship I have had in the past I have suppressed my inner feelings and thoughts. Desi culture puts an embargo on our hearts from ever expressing our true feelings. But is desi culture really to blame here? I may be born and raised here, but I still have a Pakistani heritage. There are traditions and values that are certainly tattooed on me that will never change, right? On the flip side, being raised in America has also left its mark. There are things about me and my thinking that clashes with Eastern culture. Growing up was always a struggle trying to get my father to accept my 'radical' thinking. Or was it a struggle because I was trying to accept myself? If even tattoos can be laserly removed, then change is imminent.

There are things that I have to learn to accept about myself and my personality that I cannot change or suppress. It is a lot easier thinking someone judged you for your looks, though it may seem harsh at first, than to take the time and do some soul searching (And no I dont mean as in, do I have one or not!) and realize they liked you better when you were uninhibited.

The sad thing is that as long as we live in a society amongst desis hell bent on keeping the double standard alive, no one will ever be honest, no one will ever show their true identity (wouldnt it just be easy if Spiderman didnt have to hide who he really was?).

I, however, am better than that and will rise above the illusion of a perfect world, and admit to myself that something's got to give. ABCDs for the longest time have been stereotyped for being confused, neither here nor there, but honestly, we come out on top because we have the luxury of being able to be water and flow through different cultures, traditions, and languages with ease. We have the ability to see the world for what it is and still like it (thats the American in us). We're not fooling anybody and trying to blend amongst the rest (like immigrants coming to America, or Americans going abroad). We're trying to find ourselves. And we won't do it unless we come clean with ourselves and recognize who we are. We wont do it until we accept that we are different from the rest, and that different is not a bad thing. We are not Pakistani. We are not American. We're the best of both worlds. We can have it all if we want. But to do that, we must first be honest.

I must be honest with myself and realize what I want may not be entirely what society will condone and may possibly frown upon a single girl single for a minute longer than she has to be. People fear the unknown, and most desis would rather not have a woman realize her own strength. But I cannot let my fears of being an outcast in society condemn me to a life of eternal misery. I'd rather have people respect me as a single woman sure in her skin and ready to tackle anything that comes her way.