Jesus Works At Walmart

I love half days! Mid-week theyre like a boost of much needed energy. Yesterday I took a half day from work to go to a meeting and then get some errands out of the way. First on my list: Taxes...ugh.

I made an appointment with an H&R Block tax specialist because I knew my taxes were going to be challenging with having to file two separate state forms. Ok, honestly, its not that big of a deal, I just know if you get taxes filed professionally they are usually able to pull out deductions from thin air in order to increase your refund.

First of all, the whole setup was all wrong: I picked the most beautiful weather day in a long while to go sit and have some lady tell me what all Im not worth. I was there for a good 2 hrs and in the end it was not worth my while at all.

The lady ended up struggling to find deductions and her patronizing pleading for me to THINK of ANYTHING was quite painful.

TaxLady: Were you married in 2006?
(Ok, its ok to ask me this in the beginning, "Whats your filing status?", but 3/4 of the way in to ask me again as if I somehow let it slip my mind was absurd!"
Me: Oh, yeah, wait. You know what?
TaxLady: YES?! (You could see dollar signs)
Me: Oh. Nah, no. Almost doesnt count.
(TaxLady is getting annoyed? Isnt that against the rules or is that allowed in PA?)
TaxLady: Oh, hey, ok, were you a victim of a natural disaster?
Me: Theres an itemized deduction for my love life?
(TaxLady laughs...I think.)
TL: Were you a victim of a hurricane?
(Its a shame but she says it in a way that almost makes me sorry for saying no.)

TL: Have you ever been burglarized? Any theft of property????!?!
Me: No, thank God. Thats a good thing, really.
TL: (flatly) Oh....yeah.
(WOMAN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?!)
TL: Did you buy a hybrid car?
Me: You mean you DIDNT hear me pull up? Wait, I pay an arm and a leg for my gas-guzzling car -- its practically a child -- how about I use that as a dependent?
TL: Does it have a social security number?
Me: (Bite me!) FXL-934
TL: Ok, so lets figure all this out and get you ready to get out of here.
(TL has had it with me!)
TL: Oh! You end up owing $1 for your PA state taxes, but anything $1 and under you dont have to worry about.
(She makes it sound like I hit the lotto.)
TL: Ok so in review, again, you arent married, you have no dependents, you dont own land, you have no other investments, you dont own a hybrid, you're not a student, and you're not elligible for any other deductions.
Me: Wow, you know I thought my life was good, really, but thank you for giving me a reason to slit BOTH of my wrists tonight! (regretting ever flushing my oxycontin pills down the toilet.)
TL: Are you sure you're single?
Me: Where do I sign?

The fact that marriage is 50% of our deen is insignificant. I need to get married so I get more than 50% back on my taxes! :P

Afterwards I went to Walmart to schedule an eye exam. The associate enters my last name and says, "That's different. Ive never seen that before." I look down at his name and say, "I've never been helped by Jesus before either!"
Jesus: (laughs and its very obvious he's gay) Yah, but we dont pronounce it like that. (Did I mention he's hispanic?)
Me: Oh right right! Hay-soos, right? Boy I bet you get a lot of interesting comments with that name.
Jesus: Yah, the funniest is when keeds (kids) come into the store and say, "Mommy, look, its Jesus!!"
Me: (unable to control my laughter) ...and they ask you if you know Santa Claus?
Jesus: I know right. This one lady got really angry with me one time.
Me: What, she didnt think Jesus could be brown?
Jesus: It was a Sunday and she had just come back from church or something.
Me: Oh. Wow. Maybe she wasnt mentally prepared to see Jesus twice in one day?
Jesus fixes me up with an early early appointment for Saturday and in closing I say....
Me: I got one last question for you: What would Jesus do?
Jesus: When? Jesus is salaried and works 18 hr days at Walmart.

....nuff said.