Does Your Beard Hang Low, Does it Wobble to the Flo?

So today was not my needle day (for those who know me and what I do -- you know that I have procedures to go on during my needle day to different sites to analyze biopsy material.) but I ended up taking a needle today because I was the backup person since I was on yesterday.

So Im up at this one site and theres this one kid (ok guy) who always without fail has something to say to me along the lines of, you're beautiful, you look nice today (If he sniffs me, I'm gone and taking his head with me and mounting it on my wall -- just kidding -- thats a throwback joke from one of my earlier posts -- wait... who'm I kidding, OF COURSE you read that one, too!). I am on a rotation for needles, sometimes he's not there or I get off easy and dont have to go to this one site. I wasnt so lucky today (so much for knocking on wood!).

He comes over to me with the surgical instrument, same old line. But this time, as Im about to leave he comes back out and says, "When can I take you out?" Is this cat for real? I've been there/done that with the whole, "I'm Muslim, I dont date casually." song and dance to which he replied, "Im Muslim, too Asalaam Alaykum." I swallowed my urge to retort, HA, so instead I said, "Wa laikum salaam." So maybe he is. Who am I to say, right?

I'm standing there, a 27 year old woman, with the voices in my head, my blood and my bones screaming, "My parents dont allow me to date." and yet my ego's ego will not let my lips form the words. I laugh, rather nervously, which is odd because Im rarely ever nervous on the spot. And now Im angry at being cornered.

I try and find a happy place and all I can do is think of all the times stuff got complicated after I turned someone down in high school. Friendships ruined, feelings hurt, my license plates missing, prank calls. I work with this person. I hate nothing more than that awkward silence between two people like, "Oh, hey, um, what's up? Sorry for poisoning your cat and peeing on your zinnias. We're ready for our next patient."

Ohhhhkay???

How many minutes has it been? 2 Seconds? Oh dear God. I cant think of anything to say. Farah is speechless. I am so sick and tired of being a magnet to all the wrong people. DAMN ALL YOU SINGLE AVAILABLE DESI MEN! If I was married, I wouldnt be going through this. Im soo damn sick and tired I once told a guy I was gay and he smiled and said, "Cool!". Cool? No its not cool you jackass!

Him: Just dinner and a movie

(see now guys have gotten slicker over the years. If he would have said the movie title, I'd have laughed and said I'd already seen it.)

Me: um, uh. um.

Him: Here's my number. Just dinner and a movie.

I love how he says, JUST DINNER AND A MOVIE, as if to imply that he's letting me off easy, as if Im the one looking for more.

What am I supposed to do? I'm tired of making excuses, I cant blame my parents anymore, I cant tell him Im grounded, I cant tell him I dont watch movies, I cant tell him Im married...........or can I?

Thats it. I'll just tell him I'm already talking to someone. Its not a lie, I talk to several people all day long. Its not lying.....its just not telling the whole story. But who cares for the whole story, didnt everyone just read Cliff's notes anyway?

I love how my parents now, after years of shunning us from the opposite sex, have the audacity to ask, "So, have you met anyone?" No, I'm scarred for life with all the images you planted in my head of what they would have done to them if I ever did meet anyone!

He's not Muslim. I know he's not. He doesnt have a Muslim name. He's the say anything do anything to get you to talk type of guy. Ok, fine. Maybe he's Muslim. He's just not my type.

Wow. Did I just say that? He's not my type. Is that what this is all about? If he were cute, would I be flattered? I'd like to think Im not that shallow. Haha, ok wait, I knowww Im not that shallow cuz I've turned away PLENTY of hot guys. (and if my diary ever went public, you'd see)

If he was desi, would I consider? Hes not my type. So what is?

I once had a friend ask me awhile back whether or not I would consider wearing hijab. I remember being offended. If someone wants to change you, then its not you they like, was my thinking. Besides, I hate it when guys put conditions on a girl for marriage as if they are so perfect themselves to have a reason to demand anything. Most of these men, sadly, dont see themselves as walking examples of Islam enough to believe they have people watching them and looking up to them. They dont believe in their ability to practice enough to instill religious principles and traditional values in the next generation.

Ive never cared what a guy made financially. Ever. I always told myself that I would make sure I could support a family, comfortably, by myself. Whatever a guy made was great, but in case it ever came down to me working, we'd still be ok. But religion is different: I need someone to walk the same path with me to Jannah. He doesnt have to be more, necessarily, but complimentary, patient and kind. I have enough religious stories in me from Madressa to tell my children bedtime stories every night without repitition until they're 18. But I need someone else to be there as a pillar, an example, flexible but not breakable.

I once had someone tell me, "I'd rather break than bend." Meaning, if you're going to do wrong, then wrong completely knowingly. Don't try and make excuses in the name of religion.

I agree, but sometimes you have to bend, or duck, to stay alive.

I had a rishta once and the mother asked my mom nothing other than whether or not I wore hijab. Not in a good way, but rather, "Oh as long as she doesnt wear hijab, its ok." Honestly, I was disgusted and even more offended than the other friend who asked about my hijab. Marriage to me is more than just living with someone legally and having children. I want to build a better life for myself, and my family. It will be the end of an era, but it will be the beginning of a beautiful world, one iA that will lead to a nice place in the Hereafter iA.

I want someone religious, thats always been. But, now I find myself asking, Does he have a beard?, Does he go to Jummah in the masjid?, Is he humble?, Does he laugh?, Would he swear on everything he knows to be pure and true to protect me and his family from everything that is evil and impure?

I plan to tell this guy tomorrow everything, straight up. No excuses, no jokes, no awkward silences. I work with you, I respect you, I am not into casual dating, I have no interest in it now and never will. We cannot be anything more.

Any questions, comments, criticisms, or concerns?