Beware of Bundled Software

Sometimes you get stuff you didnt pay for and at times you pay for some things you didnt get.

As I ran this morning, early early in the morning without any breakfast or water -- if you think my posts are weird on a full stomach, you know this one will turn your stomach haha -- I contemplated lots of situations eating away at me.

First of all, its true what my mother said to me in regards to marriage:

"You're only seeing the glorified aspects of marriage; its not a facetious matter. It takes a lot of hardwork and it can be frustrating and challenging to make it work."

I need someone to cut me a reality check quick on the horrible, awful, painful attrocities of being married so that I can enjoy my single days without wishing I had someone to cook for.

Marriage, to me, is like a computer invoice slip. There's the stuff you paid for: safety, security, love. Then there's stuff you upgraded to like a nicer home, vacations, companionship, more money, etc. And then there's the stuff on your invoice that comes bundled with your marriage like software for your computer that you'll never use like fights, snoring, bills bills bills, children, and added responsibilities. These show up as freebies and the dollar amount is $0.00 all the way down. You cant give it back either.

You: Ah, yeah, excuse me [Sales Representative], there must be a mistake. I didnt want the SpyingMotherInLaw3.2 BETA. It makes my computer super slow and it causes my Husband3000 to crash. I didnt pay for that. Could you please take it off?

Representative: Oh, that. Heh heh heh. It's free. It comes bundled with your marriage. Thanks for shopping with us. Have a great day!

I want someone to tell me I have it good for a change. It's not lying. They're miserable and I know it! So why do I want to be like them? I'll tell you why... its a conspiracy! This society is run by a bunch of crackhead married folk who don't want to be married alone so they conspire against us and find all kinds of ways possible to make us miserable for being single, like filing taxes as a single instead of couple, and try and force us into situations of meeting the opposite gender. Conservatives are so miserable in their marriages, they're ready to throw the bible at two guys shackin' up together but yet preach separation of church and state in all other matters.

How can one not be suspicious? My family stops talking once I enter the room. They ask me for my pictures as if 25 years of looking at me wasnt enough to form a lasting memory. They invite me over for dinner at odd hours of the day.

Ma: Just make sure you get here between 12 - 3p on Saturday afternoon.

Me: Ma, thats my home! I dont need an invite.

Ma: Make sure you are here!

Me: Ohhh, I know what this is.

Ma: What?

Me: Oh please. Im not coming this weekend. No, see, they're re-paving the street and Im going to watch tar dry.

Who's paranoid? Im not paranoid. Im A-nnoyed!

Let's take this one step further shall we. What are our options? If I had to pick a profession for my soon-to-be hubby, what would I pick? You cant trust anyone.

Lawyers? They'll cheat you out of a retirement in a divorce settlement.

Bankers? They know better than you what you're worth.

Insurance Agents? They know what they'll be worth should something happen to you.

Mechanics? Three words: Loose lug nuts.

Doctors? They know how to kill you and make it look like it was accidental.

Engineers? They're like blueprints to a perfect design that defies all laws of physics in reality. Think in 3-D, but work one-dimensionally.

Actors? You never know how they're really feeling. Its all a facade. The world is a stage and you'd like to push them off it...

Psychologists? They know how to make it look like death was your idea.

Business People? Theyre always looking for a better deal. He who looks will find it.

Did I leave anyone out?