Elevators: Stupidis Inventicus

Now, I have come to grips with the fact that some people in this world just always end up with the short end of the stick. I am one of those people. What's funny is that its a totally curable disease: I just need to pay attention more. That's the hard part.

No matter what happens, I somehow always end up on the wrong elevator atleast twice a week at work. Im in a hurry to get to a procedure and I take the elevator thinking its going up when it's headed down. Or, I forget my floor and skip it going up. Or, I get off on the wrong floor. Or, this is the funniest, I forget whether the first floor is "1", "L", "G", or "B". "L" can mean lobby, lower, and "G" can be ground or garage, "B" can be basement, boiler, or bottom.

It's like so freakkin annoying. And they're all possessed I tell ya! I have yet to come across a straight-laced elevator without quirks. (either they skip a floor, always open twice at a floor, or open slightly above or below a floor so you have to jump out) At my University, our classes were on the 19th floor. In order to come down from the 19th (of 21 floors), you had to push the UP button, because then you'd get the first cart going up and once you got in you had to push L for lobby and it went down instead of going up. Every once in awhile you'd come across a "freebie" elevator. You know what a freebie elevator is? Its one that isnt being called to any other floor. People dont realize it, but you can go in and push a button and regardless if the elevator was supposed to be going down, if you hit "10", the arrow will change and you'll be on your way up. It's called elevator-jacking. Once, I was on the 7th floor and a group of us got on. The elevator button in the lobby was lit for "up". I got in first and hit L. The elevator changed directions and I took it all the way down. The people weren't too happy.

The thing that annoys me the most? When people get on the elevator and they go to the back without ONCE checking the board for what floor they want. Its not even a case of they stole a glance or something cuz I watched this dude, very carefully, he came in, went to the back, put his head down and waited. I'm like are you just on for the ride? Where ya going son?! It makes me angry -- Im like, "What floor asshole??" And it's like they dont care... they could get off at any floor and it wouldnt matter to them, meanwhile I pick my floor and still end up lost. Go figure!

The absolute worstest ever is when you're on a high rise and this snot-faced, pig-tailed, cootie-fingered brat wants to push all the buttons -- yours and the elevator's. Makes you want to pry the doors open and send her down the shaft. (It's the hole the rabbit went down in Alice and Wonderland!) Kerrrrrr-SPLAT! (yes, Im joking.)

This one time it was as simple as going from the 7th floor to the 2nd. I got on the wrong elevator and it went up and stopped on each and every floor. I had the theme of Gilligan's Island running through my head. I had to get off twice to make room for stretchers because patients have the right of way. I went up to like the 12 or 13th, had to get off, waited and waited, took the elevator up because the next floor is 16 and then all cars go down anyway, the elevator hits 16 comes back down.. stops at 13 AGAIN and then proceeds to stop at every floor... I got kicked off at 5 and then it took forever for the next car to go down to the 2nd, where I eventually got off. Boiled my blood. I look at the people in the car -- Yall are going up aren't you? CRAP! I go on and on and on about how Im fed up and they just listen and act like they have no clue what Im talking about. I pray they all end up on wrong floors someday!

It's not about getting out and walking down steps. If I do that, then the elevators win! We cannot let them win people! We must stand and fight.

Yesterday, I took the elevator with no surprises, thankfully, but this girl on it already says, "Like Oh my GOD, this sucks. I got on the wrong elevator! I've been hitting every single floor!!"

I smile... then act as if I have no clue what she's talking about.

I hope I make it off in one piece!