The High Road Is Closed Due To Flooding

My aloo gobi passed! I hit up my vegetarian friend last night wondering what she could possibly be busy with on a Wednesday night, in hopes of scoring a date so she could try my dish out. (I bring dinner - I make it to second base? haha jk... "The Lesbians Are Coming.." I know, I know. That post will haunt me forever. But she did walk me to my car!!!) She invited me over and I took the opportunity to make the most of the meal and take over other leftovers like my chicken (that I would otherwise never eat at home), haath ki roti, the remaining pieces of cake from this weekend, and a couple of sweet potatoes. Perfect!

I don't usually eat leftovers, not because of some high pride or whatnot, but simply because I forget what's in my refrigerator. Dinner was really cute, just me, my friend, and her sister. We should do it more often; atleast once a week. It's a great way to relax and de-stress.

Now, you cant throw a bunch of educated girls together and expect them not to have some sort of intellectual throwdown. Our topics are most always related to Islam or race in some way and so we're limited to topics of marriage, the Last Day, dos/donts, and Jinn -- the latter making for GREAT ghost story fun!

Our topic: Muslim brothers over the age of 23 have most probably had pre-marital sex. You could take either the "I agree" or "I disagree" approach and then add your personal thoughts. Last I checked the statement was 27 instead of 23, but that WAS 2 years ago.

Now, perhaps its ignorance (which WALAHI is bliss), but I have always given everyone the benefit of the doubt, sometimes even after I found out -- which by the way will never happen again because I realized it was more my reluctance to accept what I had been told rather than to rise above it and move on-- but to some extent when you find out, and how you find out is important. Even more important is what you do once you do find out.

Is this why I'm still single? Is it impossible for young Muslim brothers to keep it in their pants until marriage and I'm being too picky? Do I just accept that there is no one else left and decide to look beyond this immoral act? Am I the only one who finds it immoral still? Do girls from my generation have a tough time finding someone because all the guys we would be considering fall under that stereotypical category of "Single Muslim man over the age of 23 ergo read between the sheets"? Should we just look for someone younger? Someone we can perhaps condition to remain celibate until the absolute person comes along and a contract is drawn binding two together under the eyes of God and a bunch of nosy ass relatives you didnt even know you had?

When it comes to guys, I dont do leftovers. I have not yet nor ever will do refurbished goods, or irregular "buy one, get one STD free" types.

(a conversation with my Mom last year -- which not much has changed a year later)

Ma: You cannot in this life or any other make believe world you live in ever enforce your morals on others. You are who you are. You can control your own actions. Marriage is a sacred union that two people enter. Everything before that is irrelevant.

Me: Everything before that is irrelevant? Hold up. You enforced yours on me! If you were going to tell me that absolutely everything I ever learned or was taught by Islam and enforced by you and Pa was irrelevant then why the horror stories of grave sins and snakes coming to eat you in your grave time and time over because of having crossed the line even ONCE.

Ma: We never forced it. That was your choice. Im not with you 24/7.

Me: Oh that is so typical! That is so typical of this culture and religion. Im tired of it! Im tired of all the BS of double standards. Why should I have to suffer knowing what I'm giving will never be reciprocated?

Ma: You asked me and I told you. Sometimes a don't ask dont tell policy is best.

Me: You know what? Fine. Whatever.

Ma: Where are you going?

Me: Sometimes a don't ask don't tell policy is best!

I'll never forget that. I'll never forget how many things change through the years. But how DARE you teach me right from wrong and then pull the ground from under me and excuse someone else's not-so-pious actions? You're taught one thing, only to later in life be told the old song and dance of leading a horse to water but not making him drink. What else were we to think? What are parents, Imams, older brothers, protecting us from if they know many cannot hold themselves to the same accord? How are they protecting us if later in life it will hurt so much when we suddenly realize that the one we thought was perfect... isnt?

I remember when I got chicken pox. My mom told me not to itch because if I did it would scar and I would be "disfigured". It KILLED me to not sail caution down a river and scratch the bitch out of every inch of my body when Mom wasnt looking. But I didnt. I didnt scratch like a maniac, but I squeezed the life out of every single calamine lotion bottle in the house. What's left? Do they not sell calamine lotion in all parts of the world? Is that my problem? Was it discontinued in the middle of the night and I missed the memo?

I thought that itch was the worst, then I grew up. Nothing is easy. Everyone gets tried. Don't look at me and think temptation cant touch this! What am I, a rock? But it's world's best feeling to know you've managed to rise above this evil all your life, not ONCE faltering, not ONCE losing all control, and not ONCE saying you walked away from something leaving your honor behind.

Can someone, again, like before please tell me what to believe, because I'm lost and confused, and my thoughts put me in the bathroom all night, hung over the toilet throwing up my own aloo gobi, crying over a life that never seems fair enough to me.

The high road is perhaps only walked by those secure in themselves to look past just about anything. I've always taken it. I've always taken it, consciously, and its lead me nowhere. It's a dead end road. It's also a one way street. The road is paved with sharp stones and glass and you can only walk barefoot. I can't bear to walk it again. I just don't have it in me.